RWP NaPoWriMo/Poetic Asides Day 13

Poem Starting with a Line from Norman Dubie

Worlds are being told like beads
around some divine neck,
     the pearls of commerce
     and subjugation of species

Each a faceted gem–
     precious
          blue diamonds standard commerce for a loaf of bread
     semi-precious
          opals cracking from pollution and a starving child’s grasp
     polished river stones and rare wood
          raped by greed, religion, and indifference

We hang them
about our conscience
     worry and adornment
No two alike
     dazzling, mesmerizing,
          easily returned to the jewelry box

prompt required starting my poem with a line from Norman Dubie.

for RWP Day 13

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

roll over to taste
dawn on your smile–remember
passionate moonlight

for Poetic Asides Day 13

Advertisements

About Yousei Hime

This is the journal of a poetic rabbit. Within the warren you'll find poetry, short stories, essays, art, book and movie reviews, and other odds and ends. If you happen to meet the fey princess, be courteous. This rabbit did and was forever changed.
This entry was posted in Free Verse, Poetry, Prompts, Senryu and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to RWP NaPoWriMo/Poetic Asides Day 13

  1. Pingback: December Haiku Share- Day 6 « Prose Posies

  2. I love Haiku. Who did the beautiful rabbit painting?

  3. Yousei Hime says:

    Viola,
    Thank you for your defense. It brought me a smile this morning. However, I do agree with Jeremy that there are some definite weaknesses in these poems. He has a keen eye. He has repeated several times that he is an advocate of learning. So am I. I wish to learn to see what he sees so I can improve my writing. He, on the other hand, could learn a more direct and less abrasive way of presenting his thoughts. Throwing stones isn’t constructive. Offering advice on how to build a solid structure is. I’m willing to learn from him. Ball is in his court.

  4. Jeremy says:

    Not much to say about the haiku, but really, may as well put it in a dictionary. Haiku is subtle. Your entry is not.

    The main poem, I see, is riddled with an over-application of formatting. Tell me, do those spaces do anything? I used to be addicted to them. Then I realised uselessness in poetry is as bad as uselessness in everything else.

    It connotes, to me, you aren’t sure what to do with all those lines, or how to format tightly, which is a simple procedure if you invest enough time in its practice.

    The ‘rape’ line. Reads like a Bono lyric. Bono isn’t a good poet. Again, insubtle. Doesn’t contribute much anyhow. I am not a minimalist poet, but, as I said, what does no good should not show its face.

    However, as was recently pointed out to me, it is the worst month for poetry, NaPo, so I suppose the artistic churning-out can be forgiven. After all, it’s your work.

    There’s more I could say about this piece, and likely others, but what I’ve posted thus far will probably be viewed as an assault. It is not. I do not operate a blog for compliments. I operate a blog as a repository for my work and as a showcase for any passing critics for words of wisdom. As is ever the case, you may deny what you hear if it does not tickle you right.

    Otherwise, I will receive new comments in this thread, so if you are interested in more than compliments, as you and I and everyone else here are amateurs with much to learn and little room for optimism for our burgeoning talents, then reply to this thread saying you are interested in what I have to say. I believe in learning.

    –Jeremy

  5. owlren says:

    Very thought provoking, and great use of the line you borrowed from Dubie. Also, I really like your new blog header!

    • Yousei Hime says:

      owlren,
      Thank you, thank you and thank you. 😉 I like the new blog header too. The poem . . . I like parts of it. Most of these NaPoWriMo poems feel a bit rushed. Sigh. Well, they can always be polished later when the dust settles. Thanks for another visit. Love seeing you here.

  6. Ji says:

    http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/04/16/finally-poetry-awards-for-poets-rally-week-14/

    two poetry awards in the middle of the post,
    thank you for the support.
    Happy Friday!

  7. Pingback: Tweets that mention RWP NaPoWriMo/Poetic Asides Day 13 « Shiteki Na Usagi -- Topsy.com

  8. Aaron Moman says:

    Wow. That haiku is tremendous. Tremendous.

  9. jruthkelly says:

    such shimmering imagery and grace here. and truth. i love it! and your haiku oooooooo….yum, woman, yum. :0)

  10. Viola says:

    This poems rocks!

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Viola,
      Lol. Thanks. You are so cheeringly enthusiastic. I’ve tried to send my replies to your comment via email, but they keep getting returned. I hope you know I really appreciate your visits and comments.

  11. Technobabe says:

    People with the exquisite jewelry rule the world one way or another, don’t you think? People with the huge incomes are people who belong to the big corporation that is gaining more and more strength and authority in the slippery slimy world of what used to be politics. Even an honest politician can’t fight the strength of the united corporations. We are all going down until the only ones left standing are the wealthy and they won’t even notice the rest of us are not there any longer. Bleak.

    Love the haiku. Wonderful expression of sensuality. What a smile.

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Technobabe,
      I dislike preachy poetry, so I tried to speak through symbolism. I just hope it wasn’t heavy handed. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. The haiku was steamy, wasn’t it. Funny how spur of the moment things can turn out. Happy you came by.

  12. Amity says:

    A very interesting way of writing a poem Yousei!

    As the poem is really an interesting take on life’s one facet…

    very nice one!

    Yours,

    Amity

    P.S., I know now why ur comment is not coming in my blog, it is because ur id is aol and not google or gmail i think?

If you leave tracks, I'll find you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s