Unwelcome Remains

You walk in with your memories behind you and pity in your eyes. 
But my room is clean now, no more
painful cobwebs in the windows, no more
stinging, choking dust under the easy chair. 
So I look in your eyes without fear,
just like the first time,
and I do not notice
the memories
settling in.
I ask you to sit and chat,
but you shake your head,
sympathy glittering as the dust stirs. 
I ask how
you like the weather
and move to lift the shade,
but my hand touches sticky, silken threads.
I face you to say good-bye,
and you stand as always—
except for one brief time
—your hands behind your back
and that damnable pity in your eyes.
(1987)

———————————————————-

Remains

Once,
the river and the earth,
touched and caressed—
stroking, surging, cresting,
waves blanketed the earth—
both giving
and becoming
a part
of each. 

Now
the river bed
is dried
earth alone.
(1987)

[These are older poems and I welcome any suggestions for improvement.]

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About Yousei Hime

This is the journal of a poetic rabbit. Within the warren you'll find poetry, short stories, essays, art, book and movie reviews, and other odds and ends. If you happen to meet the fey princess, be courteous. This rabbit did and was forever changed.
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22 Responses to Unwelcome Remains

  1. mydomainpvt says:

    these are masterpieces.

  2. Great work, Yousei !

    I thought I had some comments about the first poem, but not so much. Every time I read it, it gets better! Still though, in the last line, I just wish there was some better way to say: “that damnable pity” I know what it means, of course, it works.

    In the second poem – I like nature imagery and metaphors, as you might have noticed – the word blanketed here sort of makes me uncomfortable. It has a “dry” feeling to it, somehow. But of course, I know that it’s quite a challenge to find words. So I just bring this up as something to think about.

    Both poems about “remains.” The second one becomes rather skeletal.

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Thanks, E.P. I’ll think about your idea for the first poem, and definitely those for the second. I’ve already been tossing some ideas around, but holidays are too busy to really concentrate. Your catch on “blanket” is a good one. Hmmm, more thinking. Another poster pointed out that the second could use more, reminding me that even dry river beds have life and beauty. So, I’ll be back at them next week. Thank you. I look forward to it!

  3. heartshapedlies says:

    Wow. It’s amazing how heart breakingly amazingly sad the first one is! It’s really a great piece of poetry! Every line of it went straight to the heart as I felt the pangs of everything! <3 I liked the second one as well. :)

  4. Carmen says:

    I hope that if you modify these poems, you will retitle them, or at least keep track of them as dated versions. There is something so poignant about the gut-wrenching angst of young adulthood. I’m incredibly glad I’m not in it any more, but still find it delicious in poetry, prose, and song lyrics.

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Thanks for the suggestion. I’d already been thinking right along those lines. Actually, it’s been difficult to revise these poems, because when I try to work on them, they still feel fresh. I can’t figure out what to change. Still too attached? Even though the emotions that sparked them are gone, I still feel strongly connected to each poem. It’s odd and difficult to describe. Hope you’re having a great holiday!!!

  5. I think the first one is fine, though maybe a word here or there could be tweaked… sorry, can’t seem to put my finger on anything more specific. :) The second one I think could be longer: even in dry riverbeds there can be beauty, meaning, and thought to be described…

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Good call on both poems. I feel the same way about the first, and will give the tweaks some thought. Very good idea for the second. At the time I wrote it, I could see no beauty in the emptiness, only emptiness. Now, with time, I can do just as you suggested. Ah . . . the benefits of distance and maturity. Must be the birthday I just had. ;) Thank you for the suggestions. I’ll try to remember to notify you when I post the revisions. Hope you’re feeling better!

  6. blissbait says:

    All I know is whether a poem touches my heart or soul, and my Lord! You dove straight in. The first broke my heart but I felt such joy at Your revelation and perspective. You brought me soft tears. The second is just gorgeous. ‘earth alone’ is so powerful.

    This corner of the peanut gallery sees much beauty and perfection, Mon Ami!!!

    Thank You and Namaste. :)

  7. kseverny says:

    you dont need me to make any suggestions.
    You’ve nailed these

  8. catgirlslovehaiku says:

    These poems are great just as they are. And it’s funny how these poems fit the day that I have been having. With a gray, somber tone. Great work!

  9. Technobabe says:

    I’m not a poet, but the only suggestion I have is the last part to say “Now the river bed is dry”.

    Really good flow otherwise.

    The first one cannot be improved upon in my opinion.

    • Yousei Hime says:

      Thank you so much for the suggestion. I have thought about that for a while, but ultimately have always left it, to keep the separation between the water in the river and the earth it traveled on. I like the first one two.

  10. Amity Me says:

    Hi Yousei,

    You really are a poet! I love this piece of yours. Sounds so sad but that’s really love all about at times!

    The coming and the going of a beloved.

    But then, it’s sad, isn’t it?

    Suggestions for improvement? You don’t need it coz we have our own style of writing. Each to his own you know!

    Keep on writing Yousei! You are one good poet!

    Have a nice day!

  11. eyramanet says:

    Lovely reading. Thank you.

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